Categories for Communication
Being in a “love” relationship at work? Is that appropriate (or some might ask, is it even feasible?) It depends, largely, I think, on what you mean by “love”. Our culture has numerous definitions and uses of the word love (“I love their sushi here!”), but when used in the context of relationships, we tend to think of the type of love related to “falling in love” or “being in love”. This is unfortunate because there are actually different types of ways to “love” within a relationship. Let me describe a few: Romantic love. Displayed in movies and other media,... Continue reading...
“Are you kidding me? They don’t care about us.” “They don’t give a rip about me. It’s all about my performance. If I meet my performance goals, they’re happy. If I don’t, I’m gone.” As I’ve worked with more facilities across the country, I’ve become aware that a large number of employees have a very cynical reaction to any discussion of positive communication from their supervisors, and sometimes, even their co-workers. The lack of genuineness in communicating appreciation may be the single biggest barrier to positive workplace relationships. One of the contributing factors to these underlying attitudes of cynicism... Continue reading...
Communicating genuine appreciation has been on my mind lately. And, it’s a good thing since I appreciate any opportunity to focus on the good and the good things that come from connecting with other people. In networking with others, it is about forming friendships and alliances. It is about seeing who is a good fit with your values, your business and your business goals. Realistically we know that good networking takes work. When someone’s taken the time to meet with you, converse with you or carry a conversation further than a mixer, how do you communicate appreciation in a way... Continue reading...
“TMI” (“too much information”) is a message teens and young adults sometimes send to their peers — or even their parents. But usually it is used in the context of “that is more personal or detailed information about that situation than I ever wanted to know.” As is becoming more and more obvious, however, “too much information” is an issue that is affecting the quality of our lives. There is no longer any doubt that there is far more information available and being generated than anyone can process. But how we deal with information overload is partially related to our... Continue reading...
February 17, 2016 7:00 am
Recently, I had the privilege to provide training in communicating authentic appreciation to the management and supervisors of an elite international organization. Functioning within the tourism and hospitality industries, the staff (in one location) come from over 40 countries and six continents. As I approached the training, I was interested to see and hear if the staff desired to be appreciated for their work. Additionally, I wanted to find out whether communicating appreciation in the workplace was relevant across many cultures. Finally, I was curious to learn various ways employees felt comfortable receiving appreciation and what the challenges might be... Continue reading...
“Tolerance is something you have for alcohol or someone with body odor…versus focusing on Respect. Respect demands more. It demands an active role.” I first heard this unique view on tolerance from speaker and author Bruce Jacobs, speaking about his book, “Race Manners.” His basic premise is that you should never let yourself get away with simple tolerance. You don’t want to feel merely tolerated, and neither do others. For example, when I come home at night after a long day of training, I hope my wife is not looking out the window as I drive up and saying to... Continue reading...
There’s an old song I always find cheering. It’s called “Scatter Sunshine” and gives terrific advice about how you can make the world a better place every day. The first verse reads: In a world where sorrow ever will be known Where are found the needy and the sad and lone, How much joy and comfort you can all bestow, If you scatter sunshine everywhere you go. Scatter sunshine all along your way. Cheer and bless and brighten Every passing day. In a world full of people complaining about everything going wrong in their lives and where the... Continue reading...
Doug Conant, former turn-around CEO of the Campbell Soup Company, and Keven Kruse, a serial entrepreneur and popular keynote speaker, have something in common. Both believe that two-way communication is essential to employee engagement. Since employee engagement drives job satisfaction, high productivity, and low turnover, it is worth taking a minute or two to consider their perspective. What is employee engagement? It is the emotional connection that an employee has to the organization and its goals. A 2011 Gallup poll found that only 29% of the workforce is engaged at work. That means that more than two-thirds of people are... Continue reading...
As I continue to work with families and family owned businesses across the country, I have noticed some themes about the “State of the Family” that I’d like to share. Essentially, there are three broad categories into which families seem to fall: 1. Healthy, functioning families. To be honest, this seems to be the smallest proportion of families (not surprisingly). These families have: healthy relationships within the family (usually across two generations; it is rare to see three generations where there is no major conflicts); individuals within the family who are doing reasonably well with their own life pathway (career,... Continue reading...
One of the lessons that aspiring leaders and those who want to continue to develop their leadership abilities must learn is: to be an effective leader, you have to learn how to lead individuals who are different than you. If you don’t, you will only be able to gather and lead those who are similar to you in personality, perspective or ability; and this, in turn, limits what you can accomplish. Although at first the idea seems intriguing, you actually don’t want to lead a group of “Junior You’s”. You may be talented but you can’t do everything, and to... Continue reading...
When working with people in my role as a coach or trainer, I often tell them that part of my role is to “reflect reality” to them — to give them objective and honest feedback on how I see their situation, and what choices they actually have (versus the choices they wish they had). Some examples include: *Helping two or more family business owners come to grips with the fact that they have very different views of where the future of the business should go and how the business should be run — to the point that unless someone drastically... Continue reading...
The Labor Day weekend is past. Summer is officially over. And what do you have to look forward to? A week back at work, followed by another week at work, and another. Sound exciting? Or depressing? If you are like a majority of people in the U.S and Canada, you are not looking forward to work this week — and at least half of you are actually dreading returning to work. A critical question is: Do you know why? If you don’t, read on. A second key question is: Do you know how bad your workplace really is?Is it “normally... Continue reading...
September 1, 2014 10:18 pm
Two common mantras in our culture today are: “I hate my job” and “My boss is a jerk.” While both statements may be true, hating your job because your boss is a jerk isn’t going to lead anywhere good. According to Gallup, more than half of the U.S. workforce (or about 70 million employees) either are just enduring their job or actively hate where they work. With that level of dissatisfaction, it’s no surprise that we hear so many negative comments – either in personal conversations, through social media or the mainstream media. In other words, If you don’t like your job, welcome to... Continue reading...
Recently, I had the privilege of conducting some communication training for a group in Northern California. We had done some previous communication training together on foundational issues of listening, so they were ready to work on some additional skills for building relationships with others. The skill set we worked on was the ways you can assist the person with whom you are talking to better understand you. Providing the context of your thoughts was the skill we focused on. When we give each other the context of our thoughts — that is, the reason or purpose of our sharing —... Continue reading...
I’ve been thinking about boundaries lately, and observing how significantly they impact our daily lives. The lack of boundaries in relationships (or attempts to overstep established boundaries) seem to be a frequent cause of relational tension. I would like to use the example of our physical body (our skin provides a boundary between our body and the world around us) to illustrate a few points about some characteristics of boundaries, and the purposes of boundaries. First, we need to acknowledge that one purpose of a boundary is to distinguish where an object/person starts and ends. This is my body and... Continue reading...
Since I have worked as a psychologist and business coach over the past 20 years, I have had the opportunity to observe and interact with thousands of individuals and groups. Obviously, some people are more healthy and functional than others. We all have problems, so the existence or experience of having difficulties in our lives is not the factor which discriminates between individuals who are doing well in their lives and those who are having ongoing, significant challenges. There are individuals who (for whatever reason) live their lives according to a different set of rules — principles which really do... Continue reading...
So you want to work at Google? Or Apple? Or one of the “cool” places where they have free food, flexible work hours, and an informal work environment? But the challenge is – you don’t live near Silicon Valley or have the skill set they require. (The second issue is the real limitation, isn’t it?) So what can you do where you work currently? Even though you may not be the owner of your company, or even a high level executive, you can help make your workplace become “the” place to work. Really. It is all about influence. We all... Continue reading...
Thanksgiving is the holiday where we are encouraged to be thankful for the good things in our lives – health, safety, adequate food, clothing, and shelter, as well as the many material blessings we have. For most people, Thanksgiving is usually more of a personally-focused celebration, including sharing meals and time with family and friends.But the Thanksgiving holiday season can also be an opportunity to focus on, and be reminded of, the positive aspects of our work lives. This is especially true in these more difficult economic times, where many who desire employment are unable to find work or have... Continue reading...
November 17, 2011 12:43 pm
Labor Day used to be a day to recognize the benefits of organized labor and, more broadly, celebrate the American work ethic. More recently, however, it serves as a painful reminder of the deterioration of the American workplace. The national statistics, with unemployment between 9 percent and 17 percent depending on whom you ask, are bad enough. But even for the employed, work has become a barely bearable chore, with only 45 percent of workers in a recent survey saying they were happy with their careers. Many companies have withheld raises and bonuses over the past two years while reducing... Continue reading...
September 5, 2011 12:26 pm
Last week I had the opportunity and privilege of being one of three facilitators at an event at Princeton University entitled, “Conversations about Family, Wealth & Philanthropy”. With my long-time friend, Doug Bauer (CEO of the Clark Foundation, formerly of Rockefeller Philanthropy Advisors) and my new friend, William Zabel (well-know estate planning attorney in NYC and author of The Rich Die Richer and You Can Too), we met with a select group of Princeton alumni and families. We discussed the issues they are facing in dealing with the impact of wealth on their families and how to utilize family philanthropy... Continue reading...
November 14, 2010 7:39 pm
When working with people in my role as a coach or counselor, I often tell them that part of my role is to “reflect reality” to them — to give them objective and honest feedback on how I see their situation, and what choices they actually have (versus the choices they wish they have). Some examples include: *Helping family business owners come to grips with that they have very different views of where the future of the business should go and how the business should be run — to the point that unless someone drastically changes their viewpoint, working together... Continue reading...
Recently, I was working with a husband and wife who also own and run a business together. One of the issues that came up was their differences in communicating, and how this creates challenges in their relationship (both personally and as co-managers). I used a “word picture” that helped illustrate the difficulties they are experiencing in communicating with one another. [Like most things, word pictures have their pro’s & con’s. On the one hand, they can powerfully paint an image that drives home a key concept. On the other hand, if taken too far they “break down” in their ability... Continue reading...
I wrote about trust in business relationships a few months ago. But the issue of trust in relationships keeps coming up again and again in the work I do. Really, it is the lack of trust that continues to reappear. The issue is so foundational to healthy relationships, I feel compelled to write on the topic again – and explain the nature of trust more deeply. What is trust, really? One definition is: “to place confidence in” or “rely on”. Recently, I have worked with families, family businesses, couples, parents & teens, Boards of Directors (numerous ones) where a number... Continue reading...
My wife (Kathy) and I have been married 30 years. We are both college-educated and fairly good communicators. Most people understand us when we talk or write. But sometimes we have a hard time communicating with each other. It is not that we don’t try, or that one of us doesn’t want to understand. But occasionally (I think it is only occasionally), one of us just doesn’t “get” what the other person is saying. I will admit that the person in our relationship that doesn’t “get it” most often is usually me. She is trying to communicate something and I’m... Continue reading...
Recently, in a variety of settings I am observing the issue of trust impacting business relationships. Obviously, trust is at the foundation for business transactions — that the vendor will provide the goods or services purchased, that the goods or services will be at the quality level described initially, and that the customer will pay for the goods or services in the time frame agreed upon. Another area of business where trust is impactful is in the employer / employee relationship — where the employer follows through on commitments communicated to the employee and the integrity level of employees to... Continue reading...
February 9, 2010 10:01 pm
This week I had the opportunity to attend a conference where both John Townsend (author of Boundaries) and Henry Cloud (author of Integrity) spoke on leadership. Here are some notes of thoughts that I felt were interested and helpful. John Townsend Research is verifying the relationship between character, interpersonal skills and performance outcomes. That is, if you work on the “inside†issues you will see improvement in performance outcomes. (See below for why this is the case.) Life is more than making right choices – doing cost/benefit analyses. There are two sets of information that leaders need to listen to... Continue reading...
September 19, 2009 6:22 pm
Over the past several weeks I have been involved with a number of families, helping them with their philanthropic giving process. What has been interesting is the fact that almost all of the families are at some different stage in their developmental stage of philanthropy. Some are really just beginning, others have been “doing” philanthropy for a while but are at a new life stage in their families and having to reshape their giving process, and some are not only experienced but are providing leadership to other families and foundations. Let me share some lessons I am gleaning from my... Continue reading...
November 16, 2008 8:55 pm
I didn’t write an entry last week because I couldn’t really think of much to say. Nothing profound or new (not that my entries are typically profound.) So I decided to “think on it”. This week, I don’t necessary have anything new (again), but I have been thinking about those situations when you don’t have much to say — and what you should do. First, some context for those of you who don’t know me well. Historically, I have been quite outgoing, social, and rarely, if ever, at a loss for words. In the past (and still in some situations)... Continue reading...
I have observed a common pattern across many areas that I work (and live) — people avoiding dealing with tense or conflictual situations in their relationships with others. And almost always, not dealing with the situation creates additional problems or makes the conflict larger and more intense (often involving more people than were originally involved). And it happens in lots of settings: in family businesses, between family members working together in office settings, between coworkers who can’t get along in marriages, between spouses in extended families, between parents-in-law and their children’s spouse in schools, between teachers and parents of the students... Continue reading...
Mother’s Day reflections are helpful and important, I believe, because they remind us to think about our life over a longer time frame. Most of our daily lives are just that, “daily”, and very present-focused. As a result, we tend to not pay attention to the longer trends in our lives — which includes parenting (both being “parented” and parenting our children). So let me make one or two reflections, both from my mother as well as observations from watching my wife with our four children (now 17, 21, 25 & 25). From my experience, mothers are: Self-sacrificing. Mothers give... Continue reading...
