Categories for Relationships
By nature, we all tend to speak our own language of appreciation. If Acts of Service make me feel appreciated, then I will tend to pitch in and help my colleagues. If Quality Time makes me feel appreciated, then I may often go out of my way to stop by a teammate’s office and “check in” to see how they are doing. If Words of Affirmation make me feel appreciated, then you can expect that I will give use verbal praise to those with whom I work. If a high five energizes me and makes me feel appreciated, I will... Continue reading...
One of the most frequently asked questions I receive when I’m training groups is: “Are there generational differences related to the 5 languages of appreciation?” The simple answer is: Yes, there are. Just as there are individual preference differences in how employees want appreciation communicated, so we are finding some diversity across the generations of workers, as well. (As is true for any group comparison, these trends seem to be generally true but there are clearly individual differences within the generations.) (Dr. White discusses the declining importance of supervisor appreciation for Millennials in this video) Let me cite a few... Continue reading...
From the beginning of our work in applying the 5 Languages of Appreciation to work-based relationships, I have been asked repeatedly, “Can the 5 Languages of Appreciation be used with customers and clients?” I have discussed and explored this issue a great deal with other professionals and organizational leaders, and we were never able to figure out a way to identify and use the 5 Languages of Appreciation in customer / client types of relationships (at least, in a manner with which we felt comfortable). Recently, however, I have had a “breakthrough” in understanding and dealing with the challenge—ironically, while... Continue reading...
A very quick disclaimer. At no point am I intending to disparage the amazing receptionists and front desk personnel whom I have been acquainted with, over many years, from hundreds of companies. Their job is not an easy one. They are the gatekeepers for the company. Customers and clients face them first whenever they enter a building or office. And they, like all employees hired for the various job responsibilities at a company, are a reflection of the culture and hiring process that recruited them. Let me explain why I am asking if your receptionists are a good reflection of... Continue reading...
December 11, 2017 10:00 am
Sometimes “life” takes us different directions than we were expecting. And sometimes life’s events illuminate the inter-relatedness of various areas of our life more vividly. That has happened to me in the past few weeks. (This is a highly personal entry. I feel like I need to let you know upfront that I’m not writing this to gain sympathy but just to share “where I am” and lessons I am trying to learn.) Less than four weeks ago, my older sister, Kathy, was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer that was already quite advanced within her body. A week later... Continue reading...
Part of my job as a psychologist is to observe – observe patterns of behavior, be attune to my own thoughts and feelings, and to derive some potentially helpful information from patterns I see. I have observed some factors in life that really wear people down – they are not really hidden but are often subtle. Sometimes they are obvious and plain, but people (both the person experiencing the aspect of life as well as those around them) tend to minimize the impact the issue has on their life. So let me share some of my observations (remember,... Continue reading...
The devastation of Hurricane Harvey is massive — and is evident in numerous ways: water damage to homes and businesses, loss of personal belongings, displaced individuals and families, 300,000+ cars left unusable, businesses not able to do business, schools shut down, nursing home residents moved… the list goes on and on. Unfortunately, the sheer size and impact of Harvey actually creates some dynamics that makes it more likely that people (including you and me) won’t respond to the vast needs created. How can that be? Why would we be less likely to give some form of aid (monetary aid, donations... Continue reading...
September 5, 2017 1:15 pm
At Appreciation at Work, our focus is on building positive, healthy relationships in the workplace, and we largely do this by helping people learn how to communicate authentic appreciation, build trusting relationships, and relate to others in a respectful way. But we also have to deal with life as it exists, and another avenue to build positive relationships is to address the issues that interfere with that process. This is the focus of my new book, The Vibrant Workplace, which is subtitled: Overcoming the Obstacles to Building a Culture of Appreciation. Negativity is one of the most common, and deeply... Continue reading...
According to the World Economic Forum Future of Jobs Report, emotional intelligence will be one of the top 10 job skills in 2020 The awareness that emotional intelligence has become an important job skill, even surpassing technical ability, has been growing over the last number of years. A Career Builder Survey of more than 2,600 hiring managers and human resource professionals found the following: 71 percent stated they valued emotional intelligence in an employee over IQ 75 percent said they were more likely to promote a high EI worker 59 percent claimed they would not hire someone with a high... Continue reading...
Employee engagement is a major goal for many leaders (and most HR professionals). But employee recognition has provided disappointing results. Authentic appreciation is the key missing component – and knowing how employees want to be shown appreciation is critical. A core concept foundational to demonstrating authentic appreciation is that not everyone wants to be shown appreciation in the same ways. Some people like verbal praise, but others feel valued when you spend time with them. A number of employees feel supported by receiving some help when they are overwhelmed, while others are encouraged if you bring in their favorite cup... Continue reading...
If you are one of the fortunate students who has landed an internship for the summer, congratulations. You have an opportunity to learn some practical skills in your field of study, add a valuable piece to your resume, and possibly make a little money (if it is a paid internship). There is a good chance you have never been an intern before, so you are not exactly sure what to expect. Let us fill you in – with both the good and bad news. Understanding the Full Time Employees’ Perspective For most FTEs (full-time employees), interns are viewed either as... Continue reading...
Memorial Day in the U.S. is a holiday that seems to be slipping in its meaningfulness to many in our country. As the distance in time grows from recent military conflicts, and even further from the major wars of the past, the desire to pay honor to those who fought to protect our freedoms wanes. This is a normal process of life – past losses and pain fade as time goes on. But a common life event brings the significance of Memorial Day back into focus quickly. That event, the death of someone close, was an experience I had multiple... Continue reading...
Let’s be honest, some people are more difficult to work with than others. There are weird people; angry, irritable colleagues; and people we just don’t understand. And appreciating these individuals can be even more challenging. Let me share a few tips on how to communicate appreciation to a “difficult” colleague: Don’t try to fake it. Whatever you do, don’t try to “act like” you appreciate someone if you really don’t. Most people have very sensitive “radar” when they believe others aren’t being genuine. You risk undermining any trust you may have with your colleague if they don’t think... Continue reading...
Ask any worker in corporate America and most will tell you: business leaders could be communicating more effectively with their workforce. Data collected in an Interact/Harris poll shows that most leaders aren’t engaging in crucial communication moments that could help establish trust. In fact, 91% of employees who responded to the poll said communication issues drag executives down. Instead of using effective communication strategies, leaders often display a lack of emotional intelligence by micromanaging, being indecisive, and attempting to hide their mistakes. By comparison, effective leaders are intentional about communicating with their workforce. Here are 5 ways leaders can communicate... Continue reading...
How do you communicate appreciation to a colleague who works virtually? This is a growing challenge for supervisors and colleagues in today’s world of work. The following statistics have been discovered about remote worker trends: 53% of companies in the U.S. continue to have standard workplaces, with nearly every employee coming into the office 4 or more days each week. 37% have a main office with some people working remotely. 10% have no office space at all. Increasing numbers of employees work in locations separate from their colleagues and supervisor, with “virtual teams” occurring across cities, states and countries. This... Continue reading...
As we all approach the Christmas holiday, many people’s anxiety level is rising. Why? Because we are starting to think about the upcoming visit with our family. You may be going to your parents’ home (or your in-laws’) or family members are coming to your home, or you may gather at one of your (or your spouse’s) siblings homes. Regardless of the specifics, it means — you are going to have to spend time with your family (and yes, possibly even interact with them!) So, being the good psychologist I am, I thought I would address the most important factor... Continue reading...
December 22, 2016 7:00 am
A “new tradition” is sort of an oxymoron. By definition, (“a long-established, inherited way of thinking or acting”), a tradition is some action that you have been doing for a while. But I believe it is both possible and helpful to intentionally create new traditions for your family. We need to recognize that families go through a variety of life stages, with different needs at each stage. And the demands and parameters of daily life vary significantly. It is hard to imagine a family tradition that could survive and be really appropriate for family members across all life stages (with the possible exception... Continue reading...
December 16, 2016 7:00 am
Team leaders are often encouraged (“bombarded” is actually a better word) to communicate appreciation to colleagues during the Thanksgiving holiday season. Expressing thanks for a job well done is sure to be received well, right? Not necessarily. At times, clueless managers are at risk for saying “thanks” in ways that won’t be received well. They don’t really “get” appreciation and what the big deal is – but they try anyway, and often their actions seriously miss the mark and actually wind up being offensive. Here are some actions to avoid: The “I’m off. You’re not. Enjoy the weekend!” message. This... Continue reading...
November 15, 2016 8:00 am
In the past, an employee’s relationship with their direct supervisor was found to be one of the most influential factors on whether or not the employee enjoyed their job. However, this dynamic has changed somewhat. Jared Lindzon, in this article about change and work, spoke to analyst Josh Bersin who says, “Most companies, even big companies, are much less hierarchal and much less top-down in their execution than they used to be. Leaders are finding that they have to be more inspirational, they have to be more collaborative. In recent years, relationships with colleagues have become increasingly influential in the... Continue reading...
November 11, 2016 8:00 am
Recently, I had the privilege of conducting some communication training for a group. We had done some previous communication training together on foundational issues of listening, so they were ready to work on some additional skills for building relationships with others. The skill set we worked on was the ways you can assist the person with whom you are talking to better understand you. Providing the context of your thoughts was the skill we focused on. When we give each other the context of our thoughts — that is, the reason or purpose of our sharing — this greatly enhances others’ ability tounderstand us. And... Continue reading...
Boss’s Day is coming up soon, in two weeks, on Monday, October 17. And no, it isn’t one of those appreciation days that was created recently by Hallmark, the National Association of Employers, or some other group with a potential secondary gain. (Boss’s Day was first instituted in 1958, by a secretary for an insurance company, if you want to know.) The key questions, if you are an employee, are: 1) Should I do something for my boss? 2) If so, what? 3) How do I keep from looking like I am just “sucking up” to her or him? Let... Continue reading...
Many who are familiar with The 5 Love Languages as described in Gary Chapman’s bestselling book have found them helpful in their personal relationships. Some may wonder if there is really any difference between the 5 Love Languages and the 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace. While the languages discussed in both books are the same in name, the application and expression of the languages in the work environment is quite different than in personal relationships. You shouldn’t assume that your primary love language in personal relationships is the same as your most important language of appreciation in the workplace. We have... Continue reading...
Not everyone feels appreciated in the same way. The more often we communicate appreciation in the ‘language’ and specific actions preferred by our colleagues, the more likely we are to ‘hit the mark’ in truly encouraging them and helping them feel valued. As we have trained thousands of employees in the concepts of authentic appreciation (both directly and through our Appreciation at Work Certified Facilitators) we have found that: A person’s primary language of appreciation is often the language in which they are most easily offended! So if you have a colleague or supervisor who seems to get upset easily... Continue reading...
Summer is obviously the traditional time for family vacations, due to the fact that students (and many educational instructors) have the summer off of school. Having just returned from my own vacation, I thought I would share some thoughts that may help your vacation be a profitable one for you, personally and professionally (although there probably will be associated financial costs!) Vacate. The root of vacation is vacate meaning, to leave. Although it can be costly, if at all possible, I would encourage you to get away from home for your vacation. Getting away from your home, along with your daily routine... Continue reading...
Typically, I address work relationship issues in my posts. Today, however, I want to cross over into the personal realm a bit because the 5 languages of appreciation do have a direct connection to Father’s Day. While the 5 Love Languages clearly and effectively address how to communicate love to the fathers in your life (your dad or stepdad, your husband, brothers), many may find communicating appreciation to these dads easier than conveying “love”. So let me give some suggestions on different ways to show appreciation for the dads in your life, based on what we know about the 5... Continue reading...
Memorial Day in the U.S. represents a variety of things to different people: A day off of work (possibly even paid!) The beginning of summer Going to the lake Having a barbeque with friends and family Having to get together with family The Indianapolis 500 Visiting family gravesites Veterans parades and celebrations Watching old war flicks For me, especially when getting together with children, teenagers & young adults, I start to think about — what does Memorial Day mean to them? In some ways, maybe it doesn’t matter — “it is what it is” and it is their life. But,... Continue reading...
An interesting juxtaposition has developed — the simultaneous focus in the world of work on toxic workplaces and creating positive work environments. Our book on toxic workplaces and the subsequent training we created on how to avoid becoming a toxic workplace (or survive one you are currently in) are growing in popularity and interest. And I am asked more and more to speak to professional associations and write on the topic. At the same time, there is a growing body of literature on how to create a positive workplace environment (sometimes labeled as workplace culture or climate). One might mistakenly... Continue reading...
The rock band U2 has had an extraordinary run, as evidenced by a remarkable 22 Grammy awards, more than any band in history, and album sales topping 170 million. Its worldwide 360 Degree Tour was the highest revenue producing tour ever. How has U2 been able to achieve sustainable superior performance for more than 40 years now? Examining U2 provides insight into the factors that make groups of all types and sizes thrive for sustained periods, from committees and teams to organizations as large as Fortune 500 companies. Several elements of U2’s culture are consistent with the elements that our research has... Continue reading...
As we explore the challenges that arise in businesses from perceived generational differences, two issues often arise. Concern #1: Not all differences cited as “generational” are actually based in the generation of the employees. In actuality, many of the issues are common challenges in workplace relationships (lack of trust, feeling treated disrespectfully, poor communication) but they have some generational veneer that makes them look differently. For example, what is perceived as “disrespectful” often differs across generations. Millennials often feel disrespected when they are not asked for their input, while older employees may not feel treated respectfully if their opinion (with... Continue reading...
Being in a “love” relationship at work? Is that appropriate (or some might ask, is it even feasible?) It depends, largely, I think, on what you mean by “love”. Our culture has numerous definitions and uses of the word love (“I love their sushi here!”), but when used in the context of relationships, we tend to think of the type of love related to “falling in love” or “being in love”. This is unfortunate because there are actually different types of ways to “love” within a relationship. Let me describe a few: Romantic love. Displayed in movies and other media,... Continue reading...