Categories for Relationships

How to Create Problems in Your Life: Avoid Conflict

I have observed a common pattern across many areas that I work (and live) — people avoiding dealing with tense or conflictual situations in their relationships with others. And almost always, not dealing with the situation creates additional problems or makes the conflict larger and more intense (often involving more people than were originally involved). And it happens in lots of settings: in family businesses, between family members working together in office settings, between coworkers who can’t get along in marriages, between spouses in extended families, between parents-in-law and their children’s spouse in schools, between teachers and parents of the students... Continue reading...

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July 14, 2008 5:16 am
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Lessons Learned from Mothers — Not your typical Mother’s Day schmaltz

Mother’s Day reflections are helpful and important, I believe, because they remind us to think about our life over a longer time frame. Most of our daily lives are just that, “daily”, and very present-focused. As a result, we tend to not pay attention to the longer trends in our lives — which includes parenting (both being “parented” and parenting our children). So let me make one or two reflections, both from my mother as well as observations from watching my wife with our four children (now 17, 21, 25 & 25). From my experience, mothers are: Self-sacrificing. Mothers give... Continue reading...

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May 11, 2008 6:52 pm
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The Simplicity of Healthy Relationships

I don’t mean to sound snub or condescending but, in a lot of ways, having healthy relationships is not that big of deal. Having positive relationships doesn’t have to be as difficult as people want to make it. I often tell my friends (and sometimes, my clients) that the work I do is not rocket science. Helping families and business families “get along” is not that tough, from a conceptual point of view. The concepts are fairly straightforward. But the real challenge is in the implementation — in getting individuals and families to do (regularly) those behaviors and tasks that... Continue reading...

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March 16, 2008 6:32 pm
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Brothers and Business

There is an old saying, “It is good for brothers to get along”. And it is true. But one of the most frequent problems I see in my work is the challenge of brothers “getting along” in business. And the issue plays out in many different ways and settings: *Brothers who have been working together for years (and now are in their 50’s, 60’s and 70’s) and have built a successful business together, and are now in conflict about business succession issues — especially about how and whether the next generation should be involved in the business. *Adult sons of... Continue reading...

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March 6, 2008 6:59 am
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When Is a Problem Really a “Problem”?

A fair amount of my time professionally is listening to individuals, families and organizations who are experiencing some challenges that they are trying to manage successfully. They describe to me a variety of problems and are looking for insight on what to do. The issues range from individual behavior and feelings — anxiety about life, problems with anger management, patterns of communication which are viewed as condescending by others, uncertainty about one’s future career path — to problems solidly planted in the midst of relationships (marital conflict, a teenager or young adult who is demonstrating behavior problems and the parents... Continue reading...

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February 10, 2008 5:52 pm
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The Price of Privilege

This week I have been gone five days for a series of business meetings. I am writing this as I travel home to be with my family. I have been reading, and have decided to review, a book entitled, The Price of Privilege by Madeline Levine. Dr. Levine is a psychologist who practices in the affluent area of Marin County, just north of San Francisco. Ironically, I have been gone from my family for business this week and I now have to look in the mirror regarding the concerns she raises about parenting in an achievement-oriented home. Dr. Levine raises... Continue reading...

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January 21, 2008 7:50 am
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Leading the Family During the Holidays

This is the time of year when families gather together – college students are on break, young adults return home to visit, and the extended family celebrates Christmas and New Year’s together. So it is also the time when parents who have been successful in business turn their focus to their family. This is both a good thing and it creates difficulties. It is generally good for parents to engage relationally with their family; unfortunately, for some this is an infrequent occurrence due to their focus on work (or hobbies). But when we try to “re-enter” into the family relationally,... Continue reading...

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December 21, 2007 7:28 am
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Networking – Some additional thoughts and reflections

“Networking” is obviously not only about trying to use relational contacts to find a job or find a quality person for a position you are trying to fill.  We use our social networks for a variety of purposes — finding quality professionals or technicians for tasks we need to get done, locating charitable organizations that are good stewards of the monies given them, or learning about areas of life we have limited experience or knowledge. Since my article / blog on networking, I have had a number of people talk to me about their own networking experiences, and I have... Continue reading...

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November 11, 2007 1:57 pm
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“Perception is Reality” — Not Always True

In my work with people, I often deal with individuals’ reactions to situations as well as communication issues between co-workers and family members. As a result, in the process of working through these issues, people often say to me, “Well, you know, perception is reality.” Sometimes they say this to explain how miscommunication occurred with another person, or why they feel the way they do. I am not sure of the origin of the phrase, “perception is reality”, (although I would bet it comes from some realm of psychology — and for those who know me, that is not necessarily... Continue reading...

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November 4, 2007 2:16 pm
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Six Principles of Positive Relationships (Reprise)

Yesterday, I was pleased and honored that the Wichita Eagle chose to publish an article I had written which was based on an earlier blog entry. The article, entitled Six Principles of Positive Relationships, can be viewed on their website, if you are interested.

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June 1, 2007 5:19 am
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How To Deal with Dysfunctional People — And Not Go Crazy Yourself

Last posting I described dysfunctional people and what behavior patterns characterize them. That is really the easy part.  The tough part is learning how to deal with dysfunctional people in our lives — whether they are family members, coworkers, employees, or neighbors — and to do so in a way that doesn’t make us go crazy (or so we don’t commit murder!) The first clue to dealing effectively with dysfunctional individuals is to give up the expectation that they will respond in a healthy way (to whatever action you choose to take).  Usually, no matter what you do, you will... Continue reading...

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May 27, 2007 8:04 pm
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What is a ‘Dysfunctional Family’ and How Does it Mess You Up?

Last entry we briefly discussed how one’s early life experiences shapes a person’s worldview and often continues to impact your values and decisions long into adulthood. I thought it would be good to extend this discussion into the realm of dysfunctional families. First, it is important (to me, at least) to communicate that I am as tired as anyone by our culture’s propensity to blame someone (or something else) for poor choices individuals make. (For example, I was upset by the media’s immediate reaction to blame the administrators of Virginia Tech for not responding more quickly after the assassin’s first... Continue reading...

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May 21, 2007 11:59 am
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The Role of “Chance” in Life and Business

This weekend I am reflecting more on the issue of “chance” in life. (I put the term in quotes because,depending on one’s worldview, “chance” may not be the correct term — for some, the occurrence of seemingly random events are the result of Providence, for others it is related to karma or possibly one’s mental attitude, while others view the events as truly random.) The issue is not just a theoretical topic of discussion. Two weeks ago, a friend of mine died from cancer. Last week, a son of a friend was killed in Iraq by a roadside bomb. Two... Continue reading...

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May 6, 2007 6:41 pm
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Six Steps to Developing Healthy Relationships

This past week I was asked to write a little piece of developing healthy relationships, for a local magazine. And I agreed to do so. After writing it (and then reading what I had written), it struck me as close to “pop psychology” as anything I have written in quite a while. Even so, the principles are true and can be beneficial, so I thought I would share a version of the article with you. Everyone wants to have healthy, positive relationships. And yet much attention in our society seems to be focused on couples that break up or on... Continue reading...

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January 29, 2007 1:55 pm
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Lessons to be learned from extended family time together

Having just completed the Thanksgiving holiday weekend, we now have an opportunity to do some reflecting and learning from the experiences we just had. Many extended families were able to visit one another and spend some extended time together. This opportunity can be both rewarding and frustrating (and often is both). For many families, especially those in business together, the holidays provide an intensive experience in cross-generational relationship dynamics. Often, there is the senior generation (the patriarchs and matriarchs of the extended family, and sometimes, the founders and primary owners of the family business), the second generation (the “children” who... Continue reading...

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November 28, 2006 5:17 pm
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A Major Obstacle to Growing as a Leader: Blaming Others

Due to the fact that I have worked as a psychologist and family coach over the past 20 years, I have had the privilege of observing and interacting with thousands of individuals and families. Obviously, some people are more healthy and functional than others. And it is clear that we all have problems, so the existence or experience of having difficulties in our lives is not the factor which discriminates between individuals who are doing well in their lives and those who are having ongoing, significant challenges. In fact, one of my good friends’ favorite sayings is: “All families are... Continue reading...

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October 23, 2006 3:32 pm
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Even when he’s here, he’s not here: The impact of 24/7 electronic availability on our personal lives.

This past week, two wives from two unrelated families used the exact same words to describe to me (and their husbands) a challenge they are experiencing in their homes: Even when he is here, he is not her. They went on to describe the phenomenon that has become a culture-wide struggle the expansion of the world of work into our personal lives and the observation that, even though their husband may be home with the family, he frequently is not mentally or emotionally present. [NOTE: One of the ironies of being a psychologist is the ability to observe and comment... Continue reading...

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October 16, 2006 11:11 pm
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How to Build Relationships with Men: Side by Side

Recently, I gave the keynote address for a group of 40-50 family-business owners. The overall topic was “Raising Healthy Children in a Financially Successful Family”. One of my main points was that parents have to invest intentional time with their children – otherwise, schedules get busy, the time goes by, and all of a sudden, your children are grown (one of the points of the recent movie, Click ). As a result, the issue of building relationships with your son(s) came up. Actually, the point was how to build relationships with guys. Guys – boys, teenagers, young men, and men... Continue reading...

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October 9, 2006 2:23 pm
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Do You Communicate in Morse Code, FM radio waves or HDTV?

The fact that people have different communication styles in not news. However, I have found a “word picture” that seems to really help individuals get a better sense of how different they are from others, and also gives a clearer understanding on the challenges they have in communicating effectively with those close to them. There is a wide range in how each of us: a) think about the world around us; b) create messages in our minds; c) communicate what we are thinking; and d) decode and interpret the messages we receive. Essentially, we each are “wired” differently, and that... Continue reading...

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January 1, 0201 2:27 pm
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